Take 2 Rant

Angeles

Hope

Hope. 

I feel like this is all I have ever had. It's been the blanket wrapped around me, that holds me at night and whispers, "It'll be okay. You are strong and tomorrow is a new day." Hope has been my companion, my safety. Hope has held my hand and guided me through some mucky water-all the while reassuring me that things will work out. Hope know me, knows my deepest desires, my deepest fears-Hope is my everything. If I can't rely on Hope, who can I?

Hope helped me through my childhood as a fat, taken advantage of, lost child; she has wiped away my tears in the lost of so many loved ones and cradled me to sleep when I felt alone. I need her, I need hope.

Hope in my self, in my abilities, my sense of choice-Hope that I can do it. Hope in that my life will be okay, that things will work out and everything happens for a reason.

I am loosing hope, I'm loosing her.

I've been here. I know this girl. This sad, lonely but stubborn girl. The one that goes "fuckit!" and the one that never lets herself feel with anyone. She doesn't care and just does. She wears dark makeup, texts all night, drinks too much...hits 'em and quits 'em, speeds, listens to loud rap-she's alone. So alone.

Alone. A.L.O.N.E. Not that she doesn't have plenty of loved ones-she just doesn't have him.

Him. The meaning of having a meaning. The rise and fall of the sun. Him...

I had him...then he left me like they always do. Always. Now booze holds me at night. He left me with Hope, hope that he may come back.

I'm scared...scared for the first time ever in my existence of having Hope. What if she lets me down? Leaves me dirty in the dark and all alone with no one....no one.

What you all have been waiting for

For me to go bonkers? Sorry-not going to happen.

  A lot has been going on in a few different areas of my life and I will admit to feeling a little lost. Okay...a lot lost, lol.

But this won't be the blog that you want. I won't spill my heart out to you like you think I will. Many of you secretly follow my blog just to witness my weak moments and you, my friend, are not a friend to me.

Anyhoo-I am good and I am strong. You will be miserable. You may not admit it yet, but you have made a mistake and you know it.

I will arise and be better, like always.

Reality check

I had one of those this weekend. A big, fat, nasty reality check. One that scared the living hell out of me and I didn't even realize until this morning just how much it scared me. After the incident I went into denial autopilot and did what I had to for the day, never analyzing what just occurred and just went!

Let me explain...

After a rough (and I mean rough) two weeks emotionally, I was at my peak of losing it with everyone I came in contact with. I was angry, resentful, lonely and felt a little schizophrenic. I could totally chalk this up to my new birth control but in all honesty we are beast of emotions-us women. My best friend of 9 years made a comment to me that I have been wanting a lot of alone lately and she was right. I was scared to interact with everyone. Scared to say the wrong thing, ruin friendships and my relationship. I thought being alone would help it go away, when really it did the opposite. I had cut off all good feelings for everyone, including my own boyfriend to salvage myself because I was convinced something was about to go wrong. We all have little psychic feelings that we do not always pay attention to, but I always have. I just knew to the very core that something was going to happen. Little did I know, it would be my own fault. I playing right into the devils plan.

After a very uncomfortable and trying 12 hours, I got into my car full of turmoil to head to my second job in Tampa. The moment I began driving, I shut off all music because I couldn't handle the sound and just got lost in the abyss of my emotions. A mile before interstate, my heart c r a c k e d and tears began to flow. Flowing harder than they had in a while, tears I had been beginning for the past two weeks to come were now flushing out of my soul. I thought back on the last time I hugged my mom, the last "I love you" I shared with Davis, the last time I genuinely told my friends how I felt about them and it just made my eye sight blurrier.

I was having a total meltdown. Now, maybe I knew what was about to happen and I was grieving or who knows.

As I took the on ramp to I4 off 301, I wasn't focused. The rain was coming down harder and I just didn't care, I didn't think.I have never lost control before, my Homey taught me well. The back in of my car began to turn and for the briefest second, I wanted to let go. To let my car slide into the brick wall and flip into traffic, surely killing me. I almost wanted it, I was just so tired. I wanted to just go. I wanted to shut my eyes and block the world out by ending it. Out of nowhere, once again- for the briefest moment I smelt the wonderful smell of a cigar. Like it was being blown into my face, forcing me back to reality. I instantly heard my Homeys instructions on how to handle a car that goes out of control. Not like his actual voice but I was recalling them. I corrected my steering just a tad and let go of the gas and brake, guiding my car into the grassy mud ditch.

My brain then went to damage control, all tears dried up. I almost felt relieved. Relieved that something awful had finally happened and I could move passed it.

 The first person I thought of was my wonderful man, even though-not even 30 mins before I was in limbo to what was going to happen to us. I then called my normally first response Mother to inform her and see is she had a solution. I shut down all emotions the best I could and just wanted to get through this. I made all necessary phone calls and waited. Waited.

Within ten minutes, Davis was by my side- comforting.

We spent the next two hours talking, talking and talking. In that moment, I had never appreciated him so much and my heart just swelled. Swollen heart and all, I was reassured that this was the man I am suppose to be with right now, if not for a very long time, or forever.

After the two and half hour mark, I begin worrying cause it didn't look like my car was going to be pulled out. Then, like an angel sent from God: a random tow truck pulled over, saying he saw us from the road and wanted to help. These very kind gentleman pulled my baby out of the depths of hell grass! 

The rest of my day was spent working and not thinking about the past two weeks, especially what had just happened. I went to sleep not feeling resolved.

Then the morning came. I came to work, as usual there were issues and I felt overwhelmed. I took one breath and BAM! Everything hit me, all my emotions that I had shut off were attacking me at once. I began to sob once again, but it was a happy sob. Joyful tears poured from my sockets, soaking my cheeks ad filling my mouth with salty pleasure. My swollen heart was beating so fast for all my loved ones and the realization.

  I almost died.

I almost let myself die.

But he saved...like he does every time. It never fails. My papa, my homey, my savior saved me. I can't explain why I smelled his cigar but if it had not been for that, I would of let go, completely. I have never admitted this and probably wouldn't normally but I wanted to give up and he wouldn't allow me. He still watches out for me and guides me even from the grave. That is how I know there is a God, because he lets my grandfather be my guardian angel, always with his hand on my shoulder, helping me.

I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, patiently. I know I am a pain in the ass and my near death experience has forced me back into the world of love and I love all of you very much. Even the ones I hardly see, please know I appreciate you all very much.

Especially my mother, my Gin, my Daddy, Davis and my girls.

I love you all very much.

Talking to your best friend; going, "Girlll I think my butt got big!"

The title explains it all.

I am fed up with my excuses. I LOST 40 lb. FORTY POUNDS! I lost a huge bag of dog food off my body! What bullshit that here I have been for a YEAR since I lost that forty just plateauing and going, "Oh, I'll do it again...eventually." GET THE HELL UP OFF YOUR ASS, NICOLE!

I am so fed up with my bullshit. Like Christ! Stop making excuses. 

Yes; you've been working out but not like you use to

Yes; work is so stressful but that is irrelevant

Yes; it will kill your social life for awhile but oh well-if their your friends then they will understand

Yes; your bf LOVES to eat shit that is bad for you but that is not an excuse for you to give in.

JUST DO IT!

Ok ok ok; so here I come.

Chicken, Fish and lean meat

Veggies mostly green

2 starches a week

100% wheat only break 3x a week MAX

Gallon of water a day MINIMUM

1 diet soda a day allowed but not preferred

ONE cheat meal on weekend

Hour and half cardio at gym every other day until you can do it everyday-therefore find entertainment while working out.

No hard lifting only minor. so less weight and more reps.

Stop bitching, I can hear you.

JUST DO IT!

No face Generation

I don't usually post photos with the body of my blog but I felt it was appropriate and would remind me of what I am about to rant about. The quote states:

"Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was a tragedy."

How true is that? Think about it. Einstein was a Jewish German who escaped the country by his teeth and went on to be the greatest genius ever known. Marilyn Monroe was abused, grew to be a political whore and is now an icon for beauty. JFK was a strong willed president who took ballsy chances and went out in one of the most public and remember able assassinations.

What about you? What happened to you?

I KNOW what happened to me and here I am using it as an advantage. We all, every human being have gone through something in life no matter how small you may think it is. We all have suffered in some way. Though, I am learning it isn't about the suffer age, but how we come out of it. How we mold the evil happenings to be our own masterpiece. 

Some use this as a motivation for public speaking, some use it as an excuse to be an addict of some sort, others move on and never do anything, when some take it by the balls and make it something great!

How do you use your hurt?

I blog, I exercise, I strive to be more than mediocre, I want to help others like me.

But how does my hurt, hurt me?

I am bitter at times, I have no patience for whiney ass cry babies and sometimes I am harsh.

How does it affect you?

My no face generation; lets STAND and let our pain makes us stronger! Let's be the next Teddy, Eleanor, Cleopatra or hell even John Travolta!

Karma and Sweet Tea

This shall come to no surprise for many people, but I am an angry little girl. I never show it, I hardly express it and only a dear few have actually encountered it.

I sit and think about things and get so worked up! My blood boils, I see red and lord forbid someone speak to me within those milliseconds of my anger. It doesn't last long where I have no control, it's short and brief but can damage.

Majority of the time I just breathe and fight through the red until I am a clear thinking individual then sometimes I STILL put my foot in my mouth. My moma always said I was spitfire. That I am. I spit fire.

Speaking of Karma! You may call it creeping or stalking but honestly it's just curiosity. I get curious! I am so happy in my life and I hope they creep me and see how happy I am.How much better off I am. I like to see their misery. Especially Blake Hasenzahl's. I do not feel bad at all. He deserves to be crushed, scum. Poor girl, had no clue. Now, now not all my exes are scum, just some. lol. Wilder calls ALL his exes cunts and whores, so I am being a tad nicer.

Sweet Tea. I am craving my Granny's sweet tea. Maybe that means I need a night in the country. Go back to my roots for a night and just be Stormy. That would be nice.

I get so caught up in my life as Storm Hunter-professional,asshole,writer,bitcher,best friend, girlfriend,weightloss striver,angry driver etc that I lose that sweet country bumpkin that is deep within me. She needs to shine a little.

My first Vlog!

My life is debt

Being inspired by a close friend's blog and seeing the change in her has inspired me to write about my on endeavors.

Money has never been easy and isn't for anyone. Even millionaires, though that could be argued.

We are given chances in life. Chances to make or break and until recently I have broke. I finally feel like I am making. I am realistic enough to know that life occurrences will come along and tempt me to break, however I will not! Will not, you hear me!

I have goals:

1.New 2013 Ford Fusion

2.Stay true in stabilizing the great relationship I have

3.Lose 50 lb

4.Build my savings to what I feel is great, not good enough

5.Raise my pups and be the best mommy I can be

6.Put my credit in the 700's

7.An education of some sort

All of these are plausible, I just have to realize they won't all happen at once or even in the timely fashion I want them to. So how do I do this?

1.Fix credit and save money

2.Continue to be considerate and loving. Slow down because he is a keeper

3.Stop making excuses and just do it cause I know how to

4.Autodraft and put in when i can

5.Be more attentive and focus on them when I am with them

6.Stay in contact with freecreditscore.com, dispute what I can

7.Seek

I can do this.

My weak moment

Wheweeee.
I don't have a fucking clue if I should say this or any of this. Should I just shut up? Fuck; I am terriried to write this. Fuck, fuck, fuckery, fuck!...FUCK.

.....

I am inlove.

Holy fucking hell.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shittttt.
I am PRETTY positive he won't be reading this anytime soon, therefore I thinkkkk it's safe to blog this.
I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED, but excited. I haven't felt this emotion since I was a dumb teenager. I think I may be going mad, call me Alice. What am I going to do?
It is way to soon to be feeling this...I think? There is not really manual for this kinda thing.
I mean everyone has their opinion on whats normal and honestly this isn't! May 26th was the fateful day I met the wonderful, kind, delicious Wilder. My man<3 It's August 1.
We made it through the summer...

I'm inlove.

But should I be? I mean rationally it's only been a little over two months. (He swears 3, silly man lol) I mean, I guess everyone goes at their own rate but damn.

I am PRETTY sure its mutual too but to be safe,  I won't fb post this until after it is said.
Damn, I will feel really fucking stupid if something goes wrong. Though; I doubt it will. I am just so god damn happy. All I think about is being with him. We have spent every weekend together and it truly is the best fucking time of my life. He treats me exactly how I want to be treated.

I fucking love Davis C. Wilder, I LOVE HIM. Shit.

Why am I even blogging this? I need to calm down. Calm down and carry on.

but...I dont want to. I want to scream it from the rooftops. (How gay?) Like that Rascal Flatts song.


Ugh. Ok. Ok. Okkkk.
Calm. And. Rational.

Davis came into my life at a very...complicating time. I had just had my feelings smashed by Blake due to the fact that I wouldn't settle for two years then when I did, I got duped. I was communicating with Glenn and just didn't know what I was doing. Davis was in the wings, waiting. Then after my birthday it all seemed to click. He asked me to a simple dinner and everything began. I adore his family, ADORE & they like me! THATS SO AMAZING. After Aaron's crackpot of assholes, it is so refreshing to be with someone who has such a great family that I genuinely love being around. Everyone really likes him and likes us together. It is just sooooo good. Like a fairytale; no not a fairytale-those end.
Just.So.Amazing.
He's a muscian\songwriter and it's sooo fucking sexy. My little Ginger! We're the same height, which I usually don't go for but he just has such a BIG presence. He's the man in the relationship, you know? I love being the little lady. He quit smoking for me, like quit! Who does that? A really fucking awesome guy. Davis is considerate and thinks about me. He takes me out, shows me off, hold my hand and gives me just the right amount of PDA. He just makes me feel alive and loved. LOVED-though he hasn't said, but it's coming. Please God, let it be coming.
 I am able to still be me, be Storm which is so great.
Ugh- I sound like one of those annoying lovebirds.
Hopefully I am not annoying anyone reading but... shit!

I hope to look back, read this and nod while smiling :)

Vanity

Never ever be scared of who you are or to be who you truly are. Too many of us settle to be who society thinks we are. Sometimes the people closest to us, don't even know.
Just ventured and had a very eye opening conversation with a friend overseas. I still wonder how people view me, but honestly does it matter? Ever?
I am who I am, no matter who views me.
If you are proud of your curves, SHOW THEM.
If you are loud and funny, VOICE IT.
If you have a knack for fixing shit, DO IT.
If you are just a really talented individual, BE YOU.

Stop changing for them, do it for you.
Be who YOU want to be.

Example: I am a Jill of all trades and I love it.
Hate on me now.

A beauitfully devious book, you are.

  Remember our parents telling us how bad it is to lie? Though; once we became older, we began seeing them lie themselves? Yea- me too.
They wanted to teach us to be better people than they are, I accept that. However the older we become the more we see necessary to lie about things. The reasons why our homework wasn't done, why we burnt a full tank of gas in three days or how we got that mark on our neck. We've all been there.
              Now we are adults and are making internal excuses on why it's okay to lie about where we've been, who all we are seeing or have seen. I'll be the first to admit I lie. Nothing like I use to though. I was one of those girls that would see whoever the fuck I wanted and no one would ever know. I lived life on the edge, bouncing from guy to guy literally and would get out of situations by making up fake ones. It was just sooooo exhausting. I refer to myself at that time as a girl, for I am a woman now.
I pay all my bills, I do adult things without saying sorry and I take care of my own and my business.
                                   Now days if I decide to dump one guy one day and within the week be with someone else, thats my business but I no longer have a reason to lie about it or hide it.
                  I can accept that everyone lies to a degree, it's nature, however there comes an age to where we shouldn't lie because we are hiding something but lie about certain occurences because it's none of that persons business. I can HONESTLY say I no longer lie to my parents nor my best friends because whatever I do, I am not scared to tell them for their reactions or how they may see me. They know I am an adult and I handle my business.
                                                           If I chose to fuck one guy but date another, that's my business and they know this. But if some one who barely knows me tries to ask questions then fuck yeah, I'm gonna lie. There's a fine line, ya know?

                                                  We should try not to do things that we would have to hide though. This is where I am trying to go with this. Stop living a public life and then a private life you keep hidden from everyone. Yes; you shouldn't tell your business to the world but don't bend backwards to hide things. I'm done with it and I am done doing it.
            I am NOT condoning putting all your business on fb, but like if I were out with a guy that someone hadn't met yet I would introduce them as who they are and if they happen to be my bf then I will say that, then lets say that person goes on my fb page and says, "It was so nice meeting Davis, he is such a nice guy." I don't have to delete or hide it from someone like it's a secret. I'm an open book, a fucked up book but an open one.

Motherfuckers make me laugh

I debated a good bit about writing this blog because I am about to air out some ugly information and say some not so lady like things about a few men I know. I even consulted Moma and she agreed that I probabley shouldn't be stating what is about to be thrown down but what's the worst that can be said about me back? I have no dirty secrets, unlike them.

          My first angry rant is going to go to Rashard Goff; the equialent to a complete meathead psychopath. He is the second craziest motherfucker I have EVER dated. Let me tell you the story. I had seen this guy around the gym and had checked him out repeatedly. Always saw him with this heavyset older woman, so never approached him. One unfortunate night for me, I actually had the nerve to introduce myself at Unleashed. Little did I know I had jsut met a crazy SOB. I mean how crazy can you be?! We hit it off VERY well. Had a fun arcade date and just enjoy our time. He of course showed signs but I ignored them cause I thought he was soooooooooo damn sexy. He was leaving in a week for Hawaii where he is stationed. No big deal right? We will jsut be casual. Well; he wanted me to committ but didnt want to himself. Babygirl was not having that! Still; things went smooth for about two months or so then crazy kicked in. I began getting jealous text whenever I didnt text right back, calling me names and accusing me of shit. Uh; am I not allowed to work out or sleep? Damn. Then the 3 am "I have nothing to live for, good-bye" messages began. For 6 months I tried to console this big gorilla and be good to him but it was never enough. When I started asking around about Rashard, people began telling me he has been threatening suicide for years and has an obsession with bigger girls, like 2x bigger than me. So I cut it off. He of course deleted me and blocked me and sent me a fuck you kidna text. Ok, ok; that's fine. A couple weeks later he sent me another I wanna die text and I was so pissed still that I said back, "God Speed."
         I truly felt bad for saying that but there's no going back lol. I said what I said and that was it. I went on to date crazier: Jarrod Shutte and some other decent guys and a major Marine douchebag. Never worked out and whatever. Well in February I believe; I had heard he was doing good so I decided to reach out and try to be nice. He said he missed me and thought of me alot. I WAS NOT going to go back to crazy but it felt good that he seemed to appreciate me. It took him nearly two days til he asked if we cld have phone sex and if when he gto back we would hook up. I said fuck no to the phone sex and maybe to the other. lol He was sexy. I dont think he liked that too much. Later on in this douchebaggery of his he became angry that I was dating someone and I told him to kick rocks. Well he didnt delete just kinda dropped off the map. Let me remind you of how terrible he was to me when we were "unofficially" together. I sent him $60 dollars worth of shit and a shipment that cost me $30 to send! Did he EVER do anything for me? Fuck no; just drank and took slutty pics with some Army whores. He didnt even acknowledge that we were an item. Piece of shit.
So; here I am dating this amazing guy who is also in the Army. I mean; he is in AFGANISTAN and STILL has done more for me and cared more for me than someone who was here and I was with for 6 months. That says loads to me. Anyways; he gets angry AGAIN! No big deal til he starts writing status talking shit about the Army. Like really? He has a 4 year degree, he could of been an Officer, he chose not to. All he does is talk about dying and fuck everyone. No wonder people don't stick around RASHARD! and if they do its only cause they want your body. Anyhoo; the rest can be seen on fb. After a status fight he sends me a text stating that I am a dumb hoe and he hopes I die. LOL Like that really hurts?! Nope. So fuck you Rashard. Side note: Just try to care a little more about others and maybe you wouldn't be so miserable!

        Next! Mark Spears. Legally he is my Uncle but I never want anything to do with that piece of shit and havent for a couple of years. Granted; I don't know that whole story which is fine but I know enough to tell the truth. Not only has he beaten PLENTY of women and I can count atleast TWO LITTLE GIRLS that he raped about 20 years ago but he took advantage of MY FAMILY. Who the fuck do you think you are? Him and his voulter of a wife JANA AYDELOTT took advantage of the loss of my Homey and tricked my Gin into moving to Tennessee where they could abuse her vulnerability and money. She was a new widow looking for companionship. Mark and Jana deserve to burn in hell. I won't dish my family secrets but if I ever met a bigger piece of shit, I'll let ya'll know.
         This part is heresay since I didn't see it but a comment was made on my exes fb that he should go see "his piggy and piggys mom." Wow; a 40- something year old drunk, woman beating rapist called me a piggy, that hurts sooooo bad let me tell you!  Seriosuly; people should think about what they say because someone like me is going to get pissed and say what I know to be true. Now I know plenty of people are going to read this, somehow it will get to Mark and honestly I don't care. Please tell that drunk POS and his manipulative linebacker wife that if they wanna start some shit that I am right here in Brandon, FL. Funny how a "grown man" lets his own wife take care of him liek he is a child because that's what he is: a child. It is the only reason he stays with her is because he has no where to go. He cant even live in the state of fl bcz he wld go to jail over old warrants. Who the fuck in their right mind would let a felon adopt a baby? Let alone a RACIST man adopt a mixed baby. Poor child; never had a chance. Atleast it's a boy and probabley won't be raped. Yes; my words are harsh but 100% true. If Homey was still around he would be so ashamed.
Congratulations Mark and Jana for being the biggest pieces of shit I have ever come across, even more so than Johanna Hunter who molested me for 7 years of my life and the two men who took advantage of me.  So please; go fuck yourselves and drink some more!

Ding; the witch is dead!

I will be the first to admit I have been on the rampage lately. For anyone I have offended or pissed off, truly I am sorry. (Unless you deserved it) A few incidents have occurred in the passed month and let's be honest-I can only be so cool and calm for so long before I blow. How many times can one person take betrayal, neglection and harrassment? Which I have encountered all three in a very short time period.

Life has never been simple and peaceful for very long with me it seems. When I am truly happy and nothing is going wrong, I am constantly waiting for a shoe to drop. I know that's not the way to be but how can I not? Do you not know my childhood?! People just dissappoint us. However; I very much am a social creature and love interaction.

I HATE BEING NEGLECTED! I don't crawl up peoples asses and blow their shit up, but if you call me and text, I ALWAYS answer in a timely matter. To go days without communicating with me is not okay and down right hurts me,:( especially when you know already that I am upset! (Do you truly not give a fuck?) It just infuriates the Storm even more. This has been an issue with more than one important person in my life. I mean; why do people feel the need to underappreciate someone who is willing to do anything for them and love them unconditionally. I do, I love people unconditionally once they get under my skin. I just want to wrap them up in a wee wittle ball and keep them forever. People are precious and special. Why can't I be the same for you?

Harrassment...is nothing new to me. Growing up a fat little girl, you get use to the torment and trauma. So calling me names truly does nothing to me. It did a couple of years ago but I can genuinely say that now that I am in charge of my health and KNOW I am beauitful, it does nothing. We shouldn't let anyone bitch bully us. Calling me a pathetic excuse of a human being because your bf lied to you, not me, doesnt affect me. Saying no one would ever admit to dating me, does no affect. Why? Because it's all envy, jealousy and pride. They are too all of these things to admit that they are at fault, not I. When Nicole Pelosi pulled the same shit, I will admit it hurt and knocked me down a few pegs but that was only because I still loved that piece of shit ex of mine. No more. I am done protecting him and have been for a while. He is a puppet for whomever influences him. He isnt strong nor as badass as he claims cause if he was, he wouldnt let a fucking girl manipulate him and bully someone who has ALWAYS been there for him especially when NO ONE else was. For example: here is my last message to him as a good bye.:

                Aaron; I didnt delete you out of anger or childishness. I deleted you for the fact that I mean what I say. I am walking away this time. I am done being taken for granted by you. You use me. You have used me since the day I cheated on you when I was 17 yrs old. I have tried to see the best in you...but you are so...fucked up. I will always care for you and wish you the best but I no longer want t obe apart of your train wreck. Women have always been your weakness and they always will be. I will hold the memory of when we were younger so I do not hate you bcz hate is a waste of my time. Ths with Cristina will not last and when that happens you will realize what kinda friend you lost. No more Aaron. I am better than the way you allow me to be treated. You are responsible. I am sorry tings have come to the point they have. It's bullshit that the person who actually TOLD her is still your friend and you aren't mad but the person who kept your secret and was there to support you is the bad guy. Oh well. I will miss our friendship and I wish you the best. I hope you find that good guy again. Good bye.

Sometimes; you just have to walk away. It took me awhile but I finally did.
417 is dead. Am I upset? Of course, but I will find love again one day and this will never matter. I wish I could of kept that friend I had in him, but he isnt even a friend to himself. He is posionous and keeps poisonous "girls" in his life.


I am shortly coming up on the age of 22 and I can honestly say I am thankful for all the strife in my life. If it wasn't for the pain, the deaths, the betrayal, neglectment, etc; that I would not be the Storm I am today. Many people call me Stormy and it just reminds me of the loving sweet girl I truly am, but at the same time I am very much so Storm. The strong, brave, ruthless woman who will stop at nothing to protect herself. If you are so lucky enough to get under my shell then I suggest you be grateful for the fact that I am very grateful for you and will love you forever.

Fuck! I have feelings!

Rants of a lunatic

          Might as well call me Loony Luna on this one.

          Sometimes events take place in life that can alter your view on situations and people. It can completely open your eyes so you see clear, not muddy. Never, never assume that I don't appreciate everyone, because I DO.

            A traumatizing situation took place after I realized my dog wasn't in the house. My mom and my boyfriend (whoa-that's weird to say after two years, lol) were steadily by my side, desperately helping and trying to make sure I didn't fall apart. I was extremely close, must I add. It really made me adore them more. They both knew my love for him and quickly acted. Now now, if I would of called any one of my other friends I am sure they would of been quick to be there too, maybe.
           It's common knowledge, my love for HarHar. That child is my soul. Thankfully he was found.

    I do however have an irritation. For the many people I know that say, "They are no longer in my life because all they don't want what I want." The people who run away from others are cowards. Yes; stop being friends with someone if you dont trust, they continously fuck you over or some nonsense like that; but don't you dare jump from friend to friend because they don't spiritually satisfy you or arent living the life you want.
   We are all our OWN human beings and live different lives. If we all did the same thing, that would be lame. I like diversity and always have. For the group that "shuns" people because they don't participate in their gatherings, suck it.
 You are either my friend or you are not. I am either one of your best friends or I am not. You may want to trade me in for a shinier model, that's cool. I lease, don't own.

And next time; leave the keys in my ignition.

The currents shall roll

Changes just need to be made.
  
I use to hate changes because they happened so much in my life. I went from home to home as a child, never having one strict household to model after but a combination of shitstorms and people trying to show me the way. Now that I have grown older, change isn't such a bad thing. I mean, positive changes of course. I tend to get bored with normalcy and everyday routines. Not to say routine isn't good, it keeps me sane.
   I am craving a little spice in my life. I use to burnnnnn with passion about life and about what I was going to do about it. When did mediocrity over take me? Was it the time I tried to function financially on my own and let bullshit get in the way or was it that time that I realized my dream of being an author was harder to reach than I imagined? Whatever the reason, I am done settling. I am more than this everyday barely getting by life with no drive or passion.

I have decide to pursue my love for writing. I obviously need training and help. It's been awhile since I took a proper grammar class and let's be honest-I could use it. I set out to join a writer's group and have already printed out tips for manuscripts. I don't just want to write, I want to produce! I want my beloved characters to have faces. I want to share them with everyone! They are begging to be known, BEGGING! I don't even care if I am known. I just want people to know Beya, know Nathaniel, know Tyk...know all these amazing characters that have so much to say!

I'm not stopping there either. No, no I am not. I am going to set out to further my education, however need be. I plan on sticking with my job for however long I can. I love it here, but I want to have something to back me up. If I am going to put money into schooling or training, it will be in what I love. Writing is what I love. My characters are who I love.

A life of adventure is for me.

Mirror, Mirror

Touch alone;  feel the two sides.
They aren't opposites, but both opposing
Wanting one goal, one prize in the end
Split ends needs  clashing

Hungry eyes and tasteful lips
Sizzling touch; markings of fierceness to match the prize
Whirling sensations clouding judgment; bodies collide

Sweet, curtsy like manner
Calming words that sooth one soul
Prize swooned but not grasped

Grab it! Take it!
Pedal stool and all!
A prize is meant to be loved and cherished and WON!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Who of them is the fairest of them all?

I look in the mirror and sometimes I don't even recognize the person looking back. Do you ever feel that way?
I am so quick to throw my opinion around when many others are doing the same to me. But do they really know me? Fuck no. I don't even know me sometimes.
I am Storm, I am Stormykins, I am Stormyfbaby, I am Nicole, Nikki, that bitch, that whore, Ms. Hunter, Ms. too stubborn.
So many faces to flash to the world.
I am crying on the inside for more. I need that fire, that passion. I need it.

Grow a pair

I originally was going to post a blog that I have been editting and writing since november. I never published it because once I said it, I wanted it to stick and be perfect. Then I realized that is impossible. It can never be perfect when someone's love life is continously changing. I mean just in the time I was writing it I went through Nowell, Brandon, Cristobal & Jarrod. If not others, but I can't remember lol. Damn...I am a naughty girl.


BUT it isn't that like I don't want a relationship...I just won't settle. I get into a routine & it's the same almost EVERY SINGLE time. I will meet a guy, not give a shit bout him or communicating with him for the first week (or two months-sorry Jarrod lol) then all the sudden my perception changes. Could be I stopped talking to one and can now focus on this one or they say or do something that perks my interest. Then out of no where; I have a plan. I map out in my mind the perfect relationship me & this guy will share. They are all unique in their own way but they all idolize me! lol jk. For serious though, it all would go perfect if they just did what I wanted when I wanted.


In the end...I look back and wonder what could have been possibly done differently? One; I could have just kept at a distance like I wanted to; had my cupcake and walked away but no! Fucker had to confuse me. Two are on going so I can't divulge. There was this one time though I was head over heels for someone I knew was COMPLETELY wrong for me.

 He was just gorgeous...I couldn't help it. He was like a black Zeus to me. lol. If I could of kept that physical, my loins would be set; but kinda hard to do that when they are in Hawaii...(& they are batty as shit)
Does anyone remember my ex Marcellis? Ugh; what a trip there. Mean, mean, meannnn. The best part; he never could understand how he was so mean!


Whoa- I just went on a serious tangent just then.
Bottom line without divulging too much information: Why can't I combine two people...then they would be perfect and I would be settled.

Pffft...Monogamy. Who really needs it? Ugh.
Grow a pair and be your own person.

Tie me to the BedPost

-I alone; am the one you dont know you need. You dont know you need me. Make me
blind when your eyes close, time me to the bed post- Eve6

Beautiful oblivion, rendezvous and I'm through with...wait; am I? Or am I the one you keep to feed or ego? Do you feed mine?
"Live in the moment." I was told this two nights ago by Japan and honestly...I should.???Not in the intent he meant, but I took some serious thought about it, why not? If I sat and analyzed I probably could come up with a few reasons why not to.
Living in the moment is why majority of the people who go, "FML" are in the situations they are in. Life is up for interpretation and we are no longer the pen strokers, but just the ink that smears the page. I want to stand strong and be the author of my life, but isn't that my issue?
Control. It's a bitch.
Control is the reason for my weezin'. The reason for my anxiety, my social inadequacies and ultimately my loneliness.

-So the way you act, is it just an act or some strange courtship ritual
A habitual nervous reaction
Hey its just me, set yourself free, why dont you let me know whats going on
Inside your cluttered head-

The psychological makep of individuals is so fascinating. We sub and consciously do little things all the time. Such as; I keep adding Eve 6 lyrics. But why? Because I genuinely like these songs and the meaning of the lyrics have something to do with the message of this blog...
Or am I venting specifically targeting one person out my audience? Quite possibly.( I know you are reading)
I could just feel the need to put meaningless words into a cyber space of letters and feelings.
FEELINGS. What a word.


To live in the moment or to not...that is the question.
-Call me.

Did I rock your boat?...Good.

"Every good writer can focus, but a great writer can take you on a journey."-Ayn Rand

   First and foremost I want to thank God for having my back. He nevers puts more on my shoulders than I can handle. when he created me, he knew he was creating a strong woma who would make a difference in this world; even if it's in the smallest way. Life is a test. We either fail or pass. Pass; we are granted a golden ticket pass those pearly gates. Fail; we are dropped into a firey pit of total despair. I not only want to pass this test but I want some extra credit!

   Set backs have not haltered but altered my diet routine:\ Making the exercise part harder. don't fret, it will be okay! I am -37 lb and going strong as usual! Don't ever let life's stress get you in a rut. Set a goal and go for it! Shit is going to happen, baby-but we know this and we are prepared. In all my 21 years, the one amazing lesson I have learned is: Hope for the best but prepare for the worse. Every year, we as human beings set out to improve our lives and make that year better than the last. What could make this year better for you? Me, personally; it's my health.

   I love creepin on facebook at people, because I learn so much! One of the really awesome things I see is people I know expressing their triumphs with weight. Like Hunter Wilson & Kristin Scott. Both beautiful women who have worked their tushies off and look great! They both have been secret inspirations for me! I wonder if I am an inspiration for anyone? Haters gonna hate, but lover's gonna love. I see alot of people I care about wanting and taking initative to become healthier. Like my Gin, she is on a warpath to becoming healthier. My sister talks about her body and joins me when I exercise; which is awesome cause she is 14! (&not in an unhealthy aneroxic way)
Bee is signing up at my gym and going, Gina from what I know is monitoring her weight,& CourtyFfacee is doing her own diet and rocking at it! When we get our townhome, it will be stocked w nothing but goodness! lol (& alcohol) My point is; I love to see others being motivated, it pushes me to strive more!


Now on to "hatin", lol. Not really, but venting is nice.  I can't really vent on here without letting certain people know I am venting about them or something they know about. Damn. I haven;t been keeping on w my journal, either. Shoot. How am I going to write my autobiography when I'm not doucmenting shit!!!
You do get that's the whole reason I do this blogging stuff, right?
  
Let me rock your boat for a minute.

Ferociously 2012

This year is my year. No matter what.



StormyFBaby



They call her a Sinner, they call her a Whore

Dear God,
    I know we talked last night, but I have the need to talk to you right now. I can't just stop in the middle of work and bow my head. I have always enjoyed writing you. Sometimes when I write in my journal, I talk directly to you or to Homey.
----- I hope you are taking good care of him. He was one of your best angels here on earth. He sure did straighten me out, even from the grave.------

 I know I don't talk about you as much as others would like, but actions speak louder than words, even the ones I am writing right now. I continously hear and see people preach on you, but it's so hard to want to listen when I know the truth about them.(Especially on fb...give me a break!) I mean, it's one thing to say Thank you and how wonderful you are-but when I am continously seeing post where people are preaching about you, I can't help but wanna defriend them bcz they are SUCH hypocrites.

    I know that's always going to be the case, but God; you know. Granted some people will read this and be like, "What?! She is such a BITCH & she wants to blog about God?" Yeah, that's right. but I am not preaching. I am strictly writing to you, Lord.
  -Although, every day I see Ms. Roberta's praise to you & it truly uplifts me. So if you read this Ms. Roberta, thank you :)

 None of us are perfect and we all have faults. This is why I don't PREACH the word. I only show your love. Because you most definitely know I am a little sinner and we all know it! lol.
  What is so amazing is:  Even though I don't-attend church, read the bible daily or go around being holier than thou; you are always listening and always there. Remember the other day at the redlight and the cop was behind me? That was all you. Thank you. Or when I was crying because I was scared and you just swept me in your warmth? That was you and thank you.
  God; your power does amaze me.

  I was sitting at my desk yesterday here a work thinking about if there was ever a crisis and someone did put a gun to my head and tell me to deny you, what would I do? No doubt would I tell them to just put a bullet in my head bcz that will never happen. If I ever happen to be around for the Tribulation; I would rather suffer days and years of agony than to spend an eternity in hell. I do believe in the "millenium" theory. You already know this. you know everything because you are everywhere.

Thank you for always listening.