I had one of those this weekend. A big, fat, nasty reality check. One that scared the living hell out of me and I didn't even realize until this morning just how much it scared me. After the incident I went into denial autopilot and did what I had to for the day, never analyzing what just occurred and just went!
Let me explain...
After a rough (and I mean rough) two weeks emotionally, I was at my peak of losing it with everyone I came in contact with. I was angry, resentful, lonely and felt a little schizophrenic. I could totally chalk this up to my new birth control but in all honesty we are beast of emotions-us women. My best friend of 9 years made a comment to me that I have been wanting a lot of alone lately and she was right. I was scared to interact with everyone. Scared to say the wrong thing, ruin friendships and my relationship. I thought being alone would help it go away, when really it did the opposite. I had cut off all good feelings for everyone, including my own boyfriend to salvage myself because I was convinced something was about to go wrong. We all have little psychic feelings that we do not always pay attention to, but I always have. I just knew to the very core that something was going to happen. Little did I know, it would be my own fault. I playing right into the devils plan.
After a very uncomfortable and trying 12 hours, I got into my car full of turmoil to head to my second job in Tampa. The moment I began driving, I shut off all music because I couldn't handle the sound and just got lost in the abyss of my emotions. A mile before interstate, my heart c r a c k e d and tears began to flow. Flowing harder than they had in a while, tears I had been beginning for the past two weeks to come were now flushing out of my soul. I thought back on the last time I hugged my mom, the last "I love you" I shared with Davis, the last time I genuinely told my friends how I felt about them and it just made my eye sight blurrier.
I was having a total meltdown. Now, maybe I knew what was about to happen and I was grieving or who knows.
As I took the on ramp to I4 off 301, I wasn't focused. The rain was coming down harder and I just didn't care, I didn't think.I have never lost control before, my Homey taught me well. The back in of my car began to turn and for the briefest second, I wanted to let go. To let my car slide into the brick wall and flip into traffic, surely killing me. I almost wanted it, I was just so tired. I wanted to just go. I wanted to shut my eyes and block the world out by ending it. Out of nowhere, once again- for the briefest moment I smelt the wonderful smell of a cigar. Like it was being blown into my face, forcing me back to reality. I instantly heard my Homeys instructions on how to handle a car that goes out of control. Not like his actual voice but I was recalling them. I corrected my steering just a tad and let go of the gas and brake, guiding my car into the grassy mud ditch.
My brain then went to damage control, all tears dried up. I almost felt relieved. Relieved that something awful had finally happened and I could move passed it.
The first person I thought of was my wonderful man, even though-not even 30 mins before I was in limbo to what was going to happen to us. I then called my normally first response Mother to inform her and see is she had a solution. I shut down all emotions the best I could and just wanted to get through this. I made all necessary phone calls and waited. Waited.
Within ten minutes, Davis was by my side- comforting.
We spent the next two hours talking, talking and talking. In that moment, I had never appreciated him so much and my heart just swelled. Swollen heart and all, I was reassured that this was the man I am suppose to be with right now, if not for a very long time, or forever.
After the two and half hour mark, I begin worrying cause it didn't look like my car was going to be pulled out. Then, like an angel sent from God: a random tow truck pulled over, saying he saw us from the road and wanted to help. These very kind gentleman pulled my baby out of the depths of hell grass!
The rest of my day was spent working and not thinking about the past two weeks, especially what had just happened. I went to sleep not feeling resolved.
Then the morning came. I came to work, as usual there were issues and I felt overwhelmed. I took one breath and BAM! Everything hit me, all my emotions that I had shut off were attacking me at once. I began to sob once again, but it was a happy sob. Joyful tears poured from my sockets, soaking my cheeks ad filling my mouth with salty pleasure. My swollen heart was beating so fast for all my loved ones and the realization.
I almost died.
I almost let myself die.
But he saved...like he does every time. It never fails. My papa, my homey, my savior saved me. I can't explain why I smelled his cigar but if it had not been for that, I would of let go, completely. I have never admitted this and probably wouldn't normally but I wanted to give up and he wouldn't allow me. He still watches out for me and guides me even from the grave. That is how I know there is a God, because he lets my grandfather be my guardian angel, always with his hand on my shoulder, helping me.
I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, patiently. I know I am a pain in the ass and my near death experience has forced me back into the world of love and I love all of you very much. Even the ones I hardly see, please know I appreciate you all very much.
Especially my mother, my Gin, my Daddy, Davis and my girls.
I love you all very much.
